three places / alone

a spring break journal. wednesday 11:21 am

In the morning in the winter shade
On the first of March on the holiday
I thought I saw you breathing
-sufjan stevens

almost hit by a car today,
thought it was turning but it went straight.
driver looked frustrated, didn't care.
almost broke down right there.

lost control this morning,
waking up wasn't all that fun.
can't clear my thoughts enough for comfort,
almost broke down there.

the things i fight for to find rest,
only leave me lonely.
face looked empty in the mirror,
almost broke down right there.

the absence of roommates is not as good as i thought it would be, i say to myself sitting in my lving room, behind my cluttered coffee table and blank TV. i have learned a difficult lesson today- that i need my roommates to balance out my life. without them, it is quiet all the time. solitude turns into loneliness without community.

so, i've, officially, felt very lonely in the past three days. my goals of doing homework have changed into listening to hours of music, drinking pots of tea, cooking pastas and chilis with friends, and watching somber oscar-nominated movies. (the queen, flags of our fathers).

its very poetic, and shakespearean. i have exactly what i wanted- time alone. anyway, i don't feel like telling stories, so i'll tell you the rest of my daily update like this;

gave blood for the first time yesterday,
right arm was too tense, so they tried the left,.
felt lightheaded after, so they made me lie down.
almost laughed. it seemed funny to me.

had a dream about my dad,
yelled at my roommate in it,
felt good to finally say some things,
i'll say them someday, when life is less extreme.

life if too profound today.
bring me back to the daily life,
before i lose my place.

-adam

vancouver and the afterthoughts

a spring break journal. monday, 11:30 am

the drive,
the walk, the longest absence.
bookstore, atwood, hemingway,
blinking with fists, billy corgan.
veggie burger.
ethical tea, earl grey, cocoa
ten thousand villages.
cafe de soleil. the drive.
i don't belong here.

granville island.
children's market. memories.
a wrinkle in time.
puppets of literary genius.
the ocean, the rain,
condos for the upscale.
touching the water with my hands.
barnacles beneath the pier.
winestore, italian, australian,
long walk back.
funny, don't feel i belong.

house of strangers, wine party,
13 bottles. one half glass at a time.
never had so much.
friendly. wish home was like this,
not the drinking, the kindness.
and conversation.
stumble down the steps,
4 am. sick. distant city light.
vancouver is cold in the midmorning.
i don't belong here.

sunday. remorse.
bus was delayed.
green hill, small park.
gm place by the water.
rained all day. oscar night,
friends made it better.
monday morning,
its all gone now, left alone.
home is empty, house is quiet.
i want to belong here,
but i can't.
------------------------------------------------
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes

-sufjan stevens

and home is where you break me

a spring break journal. Sunday, 11:13 pm

a) i have, in the past two days, grown a profound love, and longing, for a place to call home. i'm glad i'm not traveling profusely right now, but that i'm settling down, doing what i love- processing life.

though, processing life is not easy without the distraction of caffeinated beverages. this lent thing is making me a very humble man.

b) i'm a far cry from being in control of my life. in terms of finances, feelings, priorities, and just stuff i worry about in general. being at home requires that i deal with life.

this entry, i must tell you, is a precursor to a much longer, more descriptive entry about my three day walking adventure in vancouver... which may or may not be written someday.

image of the day, given a cliche' name- "empty"

when i should be sleeping

a spring break journal. Friday, 12:37 am

my heart is wrecked with the things i say,
i run my mouth off way too much.
whats deep is out way too often,
i can't live with myself like this.

leave my expectiations at the door,
no-one taught me how to love.
sensitivity's not something i'm good at sometimes,
but i'll just try harder next time.

i'm alive to myself everyday i wake up,
always living in yesterdays mistakes.
if i can't live today, let me feel forgiven,
maybe tommorow i'll get something right.

-despairing when i should be sleeping.

-adam

beauty, conviction, and roobios tea

several items that merit further discussion.

item the first: lent starts in two days. i'm actually doing it this year. if i can call this recent stint at school anything, it is an open enjoyment of seasons- autumn, advent, winter, and now lent.

so, i've decided to ditch caffeine for awhile, in hopes of curing myself from anxiety, irritability, and whatever else high concentrations of caffeine are known to cause.

so, goodbye coffee and green tea. hello roobios.

item the second; i think i'm starting to get carryed away, with my trying to be more "ethical" towards the enviroment. my closet is filled with plastic, and paper, bags that i wanted to make last rather than dispose. as is my back deck filling up with bottles and cardboard boxes.

my roomates are not down... considering some of my attempts at "ethics" and "practicality" involve trying to buy food that is made locally, rather than buying food from all over the world.

this, brought on by a quote by martin luther king- "before breakfast, you will have alredy depended on half the world". so, lately i feel convicted over every single item in my house. from my fashionable leather cuff bracelet, likely manufactured in a sweat shop (not before pained over in a tannery), to the coffee shipped from Sumatra, Indonesia. even the roobios tea, i just bought, from south africa.

what can i do?

i've been listening to a lot of Shane Claiborne. he talks a lot about local community (making everything locally, rather than buying it at a store). which is why i feel a lot of conviction. i'm not going to start ranting about how our north american culture is run by the strain of every other country on earth, and lives under the worship of the almighty dollar... because you will probably feel bad and tune me out (i've done the same).

the idea of buying a product that requires trucking across the country to get to my store... no longer feels comfortable. or eating a cow that had to consume enough grain to feed a village just to grow.... i'm not down anymore.

item the third - i finally got my photo printer to work, so i have welcomed a slight amount of beauty into my house, if only it lasts for a moment. here is one of the items which can now be fathomed, over a fresh pot of roobios, should anyone find need to visit.

Ruth. some else's stained glass, my photograph.



more to follow.

sometimes the road leads through dark places

things that are currently messing up my life (for the better) ;

1) Environmental Issues

2) Christian Imagination

3) Brand New

4) A. Loewen's Blog (and music)

5) Imagine, by Steve Turner

its nice, sometimes, to reflect on stuff that gets me down for good reasons, rather than wallow in the negative all the time. then again, even the positive leaves me in a place of wrestling. grrrrr. i think too much.

not much thought today. just waking up, to sit in class all day, to come home and clean, to write, to fall asleep. a day well spent.

humanity and hope

i guess this about the church. and, humanity in general. i just needed to empty my head.

my compassion,
is de-sensitized.
my marginalized buried
under the weight of piety.
"thank God i am not like that man,
a sinner".

here is my bride,
looked down upon.
have mercy on me, oh God,
a sinner.
here is my precious child
stripped of her humanity.
make me to mourn for her,
in this hopelessness.

don't give her righteous acts,
gifts and pretty things,
just sit beside her,
understand where she comes from.

teach us compassion,
to mourn those stripped of humanity
to hear you're voice of hope.

profound words and senses

it is only when one has a deep, profound sense that s/he is loved that one can truly offer to others what is inside her/himself. When you don't know that you are loved, you certainly don't believe that the deep parts of you that only you know could be accepted. And when you don't think others could accept those things in you, you can barely accept them yourself. And when you think the things inside you are there to be hidden and pushed down, you stop allowing yourself to be the individual that you were always meant to be. And when you don't allow yourself to be you, you can't offer what you have, or what you are, to the world, or even to the people closest to you.

-j. vice