take your eyes off me, just for a moment

I'm in the closing chapters of "paper season" right now. Which means I'm working on my last of 3 ten page papers.

Its also the Christmas season, and in true student fashion I have been too busy to stop and reflect on what Christmas feels like. To me it feels like a lonely season of looking for family.

I should be sitting outside in the cold with a smoke, putting together thoughts with friends, being real as opposed to desperately trying then feeling bad about it later. i took a couple shots at being human this week, and now i feel bad about it. thus is life.

side note- i'm way too vague when I journal here, because i don't want to come across as one of those creepers who reveals "a bit too much" online. then again, my handmade journals feel very unfulfilling to write in today.

side note 2- I grew up with the gift(s) of guilt and sarcasm, and they have haunted me to this day.

It is the Christmas season. sometime before this year has run out of time to fill with moments I'm going to drink my fair share of fair-trade Sumatra coffee, and I'm going to write something pretty while I can.

We'll see.

Side note 3 - my whole plan to parent myself at age 22 is not worth shit. Let me be the first to say that I need some mentor figures in my life. thats me. (take deep breath now).

- Adam

listening

good mornings and cold trees

the sun in the morning,
a simple white sky, behind a townhouse, not risen yet
and two quiet evergreen trees. my sliding glass window is blurry,
and its too cold to cast it open.
i'm nothing.
i can't pronounce a word. i can't write one eloquent note
or dynamic overture.
i don't like myself that much.
i can only go so far with words.

birds are leaving over autumn's ending

I just finished a three page paper, in one sitting, so I thought I'd reward myself with a little bit of writing prose time. right now.

So... here I am... In the collegium. Dang. This is not as easy as I thought it would be.

So, I almost completely burned out yesterday. I had this fun idea to put on a concert during exam season, with three papers haunting me on the horizon like 3 dark sailed pirate ships.

My burning out involeved the planning of a concert, with Adam Loewen (a friend of mine) and Jacob Moon (some guy from Ontario).

But, actually, the concert was really good. I think there is an inherantly relaxing quality about coffee paired with acousic guitar and friends.

The whole thing about me planning events by myself, while also trying to think about personal life and school work, is not going to fly next semester. Next year I'm going to plan less, and love more.

Let me leave you with this: a poem from that a girl I like wrote (i should probably tell her, one of these days. assuming that she doesen't read this, or does not already know. girls are very cunning that way).

I bought some eggnog at superstore
it's in a carton in my fridge; open cause i already had some
couldn't wait
but now
its waiting
for coffee and friends

more to come.

- Adam

And, PS- I know it sounds like I'm treating girls like static objects, instead of unique persons. Which is something every guy deals with, but not one talks about. as soon as you start treating a person as an "it" it becomes easier to abuse that person, disrespect them, try to use that person as the means to an end.

there is a great value in being human.

so, let this be a lesson to me. appreciate friends. and really spend time trying to connect with a person, rather than spend an evening trading clever comments and calling that intimacy. forget that.

she says wake up, there's no use pretending

This weekend has been a lot of:

- childlike affectionate notions set to a background of green with iron and wine

- bad tea. good coffee made poorly (my coffeemaker broke).

- trying to write prose. not doing so well.

- trying to write homework. doing worse.

- insecurity, or something like it, paired with anxiousness and self-doubt.

- a poem a wrote that I do not like to read. annoyingly, people seem to like it.

- set to a background of jose gonzalez

- nervous public speaking (i need to stop touching my face, appearantly)

- singing "naked as we came" between unexpected conversations, set to some rainy days, and nights not sleeping.

This month is not the least bit predictable. or formulaic. something like this takes a lot of patience to feel comfortable with.

oh well. come visit. I'll make you some good coffee, made poorly. And we'll sing some iron and wine and read prose.

with hot chocolate, and a warm fire over candlelight.

O come, O come, Emmanuel

I'm trying this new thing out, these days, in my random habit of journaling. that is abiding to a set amount of guidlines for a decent entry;

a) always having a coffee on hand
b) writing after a good day / a day spent with a special someone
c) having something of concrete interest to say
d) being able to say that concrete thing in a concise, well thought couple of sentences instead of effing long paragraphs.

Today is a really good day for christmas. After hours of homework I'm going to put up the ol' lights, light up the ol' candles, and sit in the glow of a fire in the chimney with hot chocolate, watching beyond the sea.

hopefully with a girl. gah, i'm so lonely. that i will not lie about.

And I might write more about christmas... good, cheery, childlike stuff as opposed to "blah, my life is so lame, i feel so lousy, i wish it was snowing and not raining and i wasn't lonely so often" stuff.

And, I'm considering moving out to a different place, and living alone for a little while. I haven't told my roommates yet. I love the guys, but i also love solitude... Time alone to just be.

So after class I'm going to go shop for lights, some cocoa camino, and a new coffeemaker... if the MCC thrift store has one. feel free to stop by.

one of these days I will have something to talk about.

later.

all the while I was outside watching the rain

As the story goes, the Laureate / Jamison / Jeff show was pretty sweet. When Jamison played tons of people sat on the floor, and stage, during the set. Then Jeff played, and the crowd sat in awe of the provocative guitar talent.

And then Laureate, a band that sings a lot about the prairies, invited me on stage for the last 5 minutes of the show, to make fun of them and make people laugh.

Afterwards, I stayed up until 5 am with Erin (a girl I met last year-ish). We watched Royal Tennenbaums, listened to Sheree Plett, and tried to build a tent out of blankets. The next day we went to a church called "The Bridge", where two sections of chairs face each other, instead of at the stage. It puts the focus less on a band, and more on being with people.

My depressing thoughts about climate change were put to rest on Friday. I had one of those "random thing I just said that just happens to be profound" moments. Basically, I don't have to feel despairing or guilty about climate change. after all...

I didn't grow up in the building of a Industrial culture, and I'm not going to live long enough to see large scale climate change efforts take effect. I fall somewhere in between, in the generation thats waking up and realizing something has to be done.

And so, I can do a couple things;
1) Start consuming less of everything
2) Finding love in the simple things in life (lying on a blanket under a dark tree during a windstorm, sitting on a backeck with coffee).
3) Get creative. Yesterday I brought my own cup to church. Having my own sweet colorful mug to drink out of, instead of a throw-away, felt pretty good.

Oh, speaking of that, I totally made my own journals out of cardboard and hemp. Come visit, and see them.

and 4) Let my kids inherit solutions to the climate crisis, instead of more symptoms. As I'm discovering, I grew up in a culture that has ditched community, and forgotten how to be together. Thats one thing I can work on.

So, to conclude... I've got some hope. Now, if only I had some good prose. note to self- slow down at least 3 times a week. and write prose instead of facebook messages (facebook is lame for lunch).

In other news, it was really windy today. And when the wind hits the trees it makes this huge whooosh sound. Its one of those sounds you would love to hear while holding hands with someone. or, just wishing you were.

sigh. more to come.

- Adam

keep the car running

The Peace Festival, which I helped plan out, finished yesterday.

And, I must say, it went ridiculously well. Its one of those "exceeded my expectations" things.

I'll give you some details tomorrow. I'm just sort of throwing this entry together, to let you know life is alright. I'm feeling pretty good about things right now.

Listening: Arcade Fire
Drinking: Columbian, Guatemalan, and Bolivian coffee
Waiting: To relax and write a good entry, for once.

Thinking: of a special someone

later

not enough

tonight: I'm reading some prose.

Tommorow: I'm hosting a concert.

After that: I'm living a more simple life. And writing a more simple journal.

Eventually: I will perform at a coffehouse in Nanaimo (The Buzz).

And: Get over myself.

After that: I will work at a coffeehouse. Or, fall in love with a girl who works at a coffeehouse.

We'll see.

&

when they say you're not that strong,
your not that weak, its not your fault.
When you climb up to your hill, up to your place,
I hope you are well.

- our lady peace

this glancing life is like a morning star

Once I found myself, I realized God was there all along.

- postsecret.com

I'm working on a paper right now, and its not working out so well. Although, yesterday i came home and realized i did not have much to do... that the concerts i am putting on were fully planned, and the homework was reasonable.

But, now being back for a day and a half i'm starting to feel some anxiety creep up on me. Which sucks.

I have this weird thing about me, i have realized. I feel good about once or twice a year. For one or two days a year i get to feel confident, relaxed, purposeful. And it seems like the rest of the year is spent building up to that day.

then the next day its back to normal. I'm also starting to realize how down of a person I am, and I have this fear that my friends don't like me as much because I'm always complaining.

shit.

I think that the small things in life pile up after awhile. And the to do list gets so backed up, that it shuts you down. And in the mess of trying to get things done you forget the important things; like writing, breathing, having time to just "be".

I think there is something to be said for living a simple life. With the time we spend doing less, we could spend time with the ones we love, being real. And with the cash we save by buying less useless crap, we could buy some food and invite our friends over.

I have a lot of weird ideas like that. I tell myself, often, that trying to live this simple life I'm always talking about will effectively wreck my "feel good about once or twice a year" theory.

deep sigh. hmm. anyway, I think in my next random, seemingly pointless, entry I'm going to talk about local food. and farmers. and the importance thereof. and then i can make you some pie.

if we do decide to share pie, please reassure me of something- that people don't hate me because I complain too much. I'm trying to give this whole "learning to love yourself" thing a shot.

see you later. ;)



PS- i was wondering something. i think that i have a lot of love to give. and i think one of the reasons I feel down is I'm having a hard time finding out how to give love. but thats another conversation altogether (this "trying to be human" thing is more work than i thought it would be).

weekend in the city 4: in a way i lost everything i believed in

i think this is going to be my last entry until next week. because i'm thinking too much.

stuff that happened, that was not neccesarily a big deal, all that much;

1) saw some picassos, warhols, and rembrandts, and greek-women-statues at an arts museum.
2) ate an amish sandwhich
3) drank some sam adams (it kind of sucked).
4) reflected on new york.

i have never loved vancouver more since coming to new york. this place has big landmarks, but it doesen't have a single coffeehouse that i can find, or much of a community mindset.

commercial drive on the other hand...

5) sat in my room at the seafarers.

feeling: sad-esque. i'm not really "taking this all in" as much as i am just "letting it happen", as dave described it.

realizing: i am a very self-reflective person, which is both good and horrible. for all the trying to figure out who i am, i'm still having trouble with loving myself (unselfishly). or something.

6) the sessions today were about factory farms, and local food. i'm considering becoming a vegan again.

7) listened to some damien rice. no wonder i feel so down.

i'm coming home tomorrow, to plan events and write that ten page paper. i wish i could describe this trip a little better, or at least pull some kind of profound statement out of it, but its just not happening.

i promise you, yet again, some prose. as soon as i find a decent coffehouse / as soon as i get back to the pacific northwest. and i promise to listen a little more, instead of talking all the time.

we'll see, soon.

weekend in the city chapter 3: let down and hanging around

i'll keep this list short because
a) i'm getting sick of my own voice
b) i'm sitting in a session, overlooking the UN building. Yesterday we (dave, renee, and other random people and I)

a) took a tour of the UN
b) stood beside east river
c) ate sketchy mozza ball soup from carnegie
d) rode sketchy subways
e) took in a comedy show on broadway

f) walked down times square, the land that never sees the dark of night. more stories later.
g) considered seeing rent. still considering.
h) hung out with abby. more stories later.
i) heard dave tell the story about how he almost got shot the first night, twice.

thats the short of it. New York never stops moving. its kind of a gong show.

more later. i am too worn down to write.

PS- i was lying. theres no more stories later. i'm just feeling really apathetic. thus is New York.