writing in a library

The typical life of a college student / me on a saturday morning- sitting on my couch until 11 mulling over Tyler Perry movies with a cup of blackberry tea.

~

A little known secret about me- my mom and her friends and I used to watch Tyler Perry movies, back in the good old days of me going back and forth between here and Nanaimo, before she moved to Washington (Perry's notable film is "Diary of a Mad Black Woman). We saw "Madea's Family Reunion" when it first came out, and there was the whole of 5 of us in the entire theatre.

They are not really good films by any means, but there is the occasional good line that speaks great truth, stuck in the mix of semi-ok acting.

So, while I was watching one of these said films this morning I had a small epiphany- and usually, as I always say, the best epiphanies catch us off guard in unexcpected places (most of my best epiphanies happen when I'm taking a shower. another little known secret).

So here it is- I'm a really cynical person towards aspects of the Christian faith, because I study it at college, and because I grew up in and around it. A friend of mine told me last week that being cynical towards the Church, and the Christian culture, would only be damaging to my character.

Cynicism is not a good thing. In my experience cynism can be defined as judging the acts of the whole based upon negative experiences with a few. In other words, if I was to have a negative experience at a church, I feel like I can judge the Church itself. Or I come across a bad christian movie, and judge all christians because of it.

It's not a healthy way to live, I don't think. Why don't I use energy I waste on being cynical on recognizing the love of community I have instead? Or doing some serious self-examination?

And I'm sure, at the very root of my cynicism, is my own insecurity. I'm not sure how to deal with my hurt, so I project it onto something else- which seems like a very human response to hurt.

Hmm. Thought of the day.

being sick is lame sauce

True story: I spent 6 hours on monday staring at my computer non-stop trying to figure out how to make print with a book format.

Eventually I found this program called 'Cheap Imposter' and printed a small book, which was easier than dropping a cat... which actually is pretty hard, because cats have claws.

So, I hope to have this small publication out in November at the latest. Its a really scary prospect.

In other news, it's been a hard couple of weeks. Sitting in my 4th year classes I came to the really striking realization that most of my friends from my first year are now married, or engaged, or in relationships. Me and my single friends have been discussing this, trying to avoid immature questions like 'what is wrong with me? why am I still single?"

It's a tough, and really humbling, thing to experience. Every so often life calls us to a deep and profound realization- the reality of marriage, the reality that there are more days behind us than before us. This is one of those I think- Really asking myself if I am mature enough to think about having serious relationships.

Anyway, I wonder. People have told me that as soon as I stop looking for 'someone' I will find them. I've done nothing but look for the past 4-6 years, and it's not getting me anywhere.

Maybe there is something called grace, which is ridiculously beyond my ability to comprehend. Love is not this instant quick fix. Love, and life in general, is a slow process.

Food for thought.

english house

Yesterday some friends and I made it into Vancouver, to spend some time in local scene stores and watch a concert. The concert in question was 'The Fleet Foxes', who, I think, are going to be huge in the next couple years. They are definitely the most humble, and committed, act I've seen in a long time. Without any pretension to speak of, they played a pretty powerful set. Check them out soon.

That said, in tradition of stories my friends and I on campus are telling these days, I'm going to move backwards from the end.

Before the concert we had breakfast at this dive of a place on Nanaimo street- costing a total of three bucks. Then we made our way to Commercial for a couple hours, where I visited my traditional coffee place for my traditional drink- JJ Bean, medium dark-roast. I was hoping this coffee would make me more aware, and energetic, but instead it made me pretty anxious and blah. Albeit, I stayed up until three am the night before.

On Commercial we checked out a record store, and I picked up Sufjan Stevens' Illinois and Wincing the Night Away by the Shins on vinyl for a reasonable cost. After that we found a retro clothes store, and I picked up my first plaid-esque shirt, thus boosting my credibility as an independant artist slightly (I wish).

After that we found had lunch at an all you can eat taco place, and they charged me too much for my pop- which I am aspiring to not drink- a lofty goal as both a youth worker and a college student.

We found a couple other retro stores near Burrard, and another record store where I found Michigan by Sufjan on vinyl (yes, I spent lots on vinyl that day, and yes I'm still trying to get my vinyl player to actually work. even so...).

From there, the highlight of the day, we walked through a giant building which looked a lot like the roman colleseum, but with a distintive North American design- square shaped windows and archways instead of the traditional arch design. Even so, walking through was a breathtaking experience in itself.

All in all, a good idea. I think the best concerts are those that have the potential to build a strong sense of community. Fleet foxes, although they are getting a lot of buzz recently, didn't come across as a band that was better than us because they have a record, radio time, and venue space.

I think this is one of the reasons why creating art in community is so profound- we seek to create together, instead of creating competitively.

~

In other news, trying to write a book is really hard. I'm hoping to get a lot more writing done this week, i.e. get some inspiration/find something worth capturing.

I'm starting to look into the possibilty of getting help from already published authors, who have been doing this a lot longer than I have. Thus is life.

Later.

organized

A
Hide in the covers or the
paper sheets,
monsters in the closet,
in the books shelved neatly,

unorganized another minute.

B
Pay a simple bill,
speak a simple word through
the language of a sleepless night-
worrying too much,
not loving myself quite as much
as I used to.

C
It comes back on us like a
winter storm-
that nagging sense of inadequacy,
the fear of not being good enough.

And this simplicity,
this quiet wants me to
take it easier. Alas
I'm too hard on myself, sometimes.

~

"This time of year you always disappear
You tell me not to call,
And when the door is closed you're wearing different clothes
Or hiding in the paper, pretending not to hear"

- Sufjan

I smell like watermelon

My friend advised me to buy some axe phoenix, and I'm finding that it smells a lot like watermelon. It's weird.

For the first half of my day I smell like fruit.

~

My friends and I were talking about movies, and some ones I really want to see / own soon are

21 grams
The Secret Life of Words
Crash
Mystic River
Persepolis
Bridget Jones 2 (guilty pleasure).

The first three films definately show Matt Dillon, Sean Penn, and Tim Robbins at their best. I mention these films because I do not want to forget.

Confession: I was at a nearby dollar store, and I noticed a rack with cheap movies. So I impulsively bought The Squid & The Whale and Children of Men. These are both great films, though not on my priority list. I am merely a cheapass, and could not resist two movies for $15

Alas. Art is hard to maneuver around.

Take Care

a difficult week

I'm helping to plan an outdoor concert this friday, which should be good. Planning things of an artistic nature, I have decided, is where I find my joy in life.

Take care.