this glancing life is like a morning star

Once I found myself, I realized God was there all along.

- postsecret.com

I'm working on a paper right now, and its not working out so well. Although, yesterday i came home and realized i did not have much to do... that the concerts i am putting on were fully planned, and the homework was reasonable.

But, now being back for a day and a half i'm starting to feel some anxiety creep up on me. Which sucks.

I have this weird thing about me, i have realized. I feel good about once or twice a year. For one or two days a year i get to feel confident, relaxed, purposeful. And it seems like the rest of the year is spent building up to that day.

then the next day its back to normal. I'm also starting to realize how down of a person I am, and I have this fear that my friends don't like me as much because I'm always complaining.

shit.

I think that the small things in life pile up after awhile. And the to do list gets so backed up, that it shuts you down. And in the mess of trying to get things done you forget the important things; like writing, breathing, having time to just "be".

I think there is something to be said for living a simple life. With the time we spend doing less, we could spend time with the ones we love, being real. And with the cash we save by buying less useless crap, we could buy some food and invite our friends over.

I have a lot of weird ideas like that. I tell myself, often, that trying to live this simple life I'm always talking about will effectively wreck my "feel good about once or twice a year" theory.

deep sigh. hmm. anyway, I think in my next random, seemingly pointless, entry I'm going to talk about local food. and farmers. and the importance thereof. and then i can make you some pie.

if we do decide to share pie, please reassure me of something- that people don't hate me because I complain too much. I'm trying to give this whole "learning to love yourself" thing a shot.

see you later. ;)



PS- i was wondering something. i think that i have a lot of love to give. and i think one of the reasons I feel down is I'm having a hard time finding out how to give love. but thats another conversation altogether (this "trying to be human" thing is more work than i thought it would be).