i spent some time reflecting on a personal/private journal i kept these past four months. when i started the journal i found myself writing in the same style as my online journaling habits- writing with the assumption that someone will read what i have to say.
so, of course, my journaling was very reserved. the journal was not supposed to be like my public journaling, throwing all my thoughts out an trying to come to a witty, or insightful conlusion. so, i starting getting real honest, expressing what was really going on deep down, rather that meandering with thoughts and speculating. i got past the "this is how i think i'm supposed to feel" to "this is where i am". so thats me.
in prayer, we shouldn't be reserved, afraid to offend God. i feel like, all i need to do is give up the truest and most honest and, oftentimes, offending parts of myself and know that God will accept all those things... that God wants me to express that honesty. its part of knowing who i am.
so i started to find the truest honesty about myself, who i am, and what things are going on deep down. and i realized how much i need to express them, rather than... i don't know. whatever the opposite of not expressing how i feel is. honesty is a difficult thing...its something we find when we're not trying to impress anybody.
and i'm glad to share that with my friends, who read this.
so thats why i've been on a bit of a journaling hiatus. i don't know what i'm supposed to think, at the moment. my life could use a little balance.
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hmmm. its intersting, i was thinking that a while back, how i always write in my journal as if i expect people to read it therefore omit certain truths in my life. its a fear that someone will read it and think less of me. like my future children or spouse or something...but honesty and openess with God is key...and freeing...
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