... God only knows. part 1

random thoughts, most of which have no point.

i was walking on ice today, from my house to the school, to drop off garbage, and other such things. when i wasn't in the snow it seemed appropropriate to stay inside, in the warmth of my house, the temperature a little chilly even there. and being inside, as always, i'm unsure what to do with myself. to assign myself to disciplines, spiritual or otherwise... or to waste away the time eating cheap food, coffee, pigging out on whatever i could find in my fridge- eating for the sake of eating.

theres a music channel i listen to on my TV. its called spa. when i listen to it time moves slowly. all the hundreds of errands of the day are simplified. all i'm left with is the slow- the echo white keys and silver strings. the peace is almost unbearable. i think i need to be doing something, filling my free time with readings or writings, journaling or whatever else.

i'm never sure what to do with myself. when i'm given the chance to rest my thoughts, at home by myself or in chapel, i find that i can't relax. my thoughts are consumed with all the things i have to get done after chapel, making rest impossible. so, i always feel awkward when i come before God. i'm offered a chance to meet with my creator, but i can't sit still long enough to receive some kind of comfort- a rest to make my full days a little less... full.

i often feel like i'm filling time with things, trying to preserve the gift of time as much as possible before i lose it- before i'm sitting in my house at 11 pm looking back on my day, wishing i had spent my time a little wiser, wishing i could have accomplished more- wishing i had spent a couple more minutes taking deep breaths and relaxing my shoulders.

but thats life for a student. life is running around, never slowing down. every so often, in some kind of post-caffeine lull, i sit in my house running out my thoughts, hoping that at least one will sound meaningful.

and so, that said... i feel kind of empty. i feel that a lot. sometimes i think that i'm empty because i haven't allowed god to fill me up. i go into chapels trying to sing, having a kind of lack of confidence. i feel like i could be singing better, feeling ashamed because i can't give it my all... knowing i could be doing better.

it goes on like that. i spend more time talking about god than to god. i spend more time reflecting on my emptiness, never asking god to fill it. I spend more time wishing i could stand outside for a little longer, breathing the air, asking god to give me some answers. everything word i wish i could say... is never really said. i just settle on god always seeming quiet, always wonder why christ never talks to me... but i'm not sure how to listen. and it feels like i'm not worth feeling comfortable with my faith. honestly, i don't feel worthy of grace.

but, i am. i know, deep down, i'm worth something.

well, there are my late-night thoughts... i'm sure they will have changed soon.