frail hands and home, part 2

today at worked i listed toooo;

a) showbread, no sir nihilism is not practical

b) POD, testify

c) ben harper, diamonds on the inside

d) imogen heap, i megaphone

and e) brand new, the devil and god are raging inside me.

It was a pretty epic day, in terms of music. all day long i was in suspense, wondering if my ipod was going to die. it didn't

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today wasn't such a lousy day. for the past month i've been cleaning Montecito Place, the place where most of the guys on CBC campus call home, 8 months a year. my job is to wash the walls, and clean the carpets, in order to remove weirdy looking stains that hang around the walls and carpets, like a creeper at a club.

my roommate shared some insight about this job, which in the past all i have done is complain about. he said that people probably wouldn't notice that the job was done... but they would notice if the job wasn't done.

which was a comforting thought today. rather than think about dorm guys thanklessly scuffing up the nice clean walls and creating questionable stains, i thought more about guys sitting in the dorm rooms reflecting and wrestling with things raised in class...

... rather than being distracted by odd marks, saying "what the heck is that bug shaped thing on the carpet in the corner?!?... it kind of looks like the Eucharist."

so, my job is to get rid of distractions, negative things that interrupt the work of grace. this makes the job less annoying... even so, two months and counting and i'll be finished (insert positive face here).

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you know, i realized something today, by one means or another (its a rather long story, filled with irony and conviction... which i can tell you some other time).

when i stay home and worry about my pains, and anxieties, i start to live a really selfish life. i start trying to live by my own strength, it crashes down, and i wrestle with God wondering why it crashed, blaming the circumstances.

then i get too stuck on my own shit, and forget that there is a world of other things to worry about, let alone my own small worries. why should i be so stuck on my worries when there are people who love me and care enough to help me carry them. and it goes both ways.

i'd hate to think that these worries are "all there is in life". and thats a danger that comes up when i live my life like this. i start to think that my immediate worries are all there is in life, then dwell on them completely, wrestling with sadness. but if i get out i realize that there is so much more "out there". i think that the kingdom of God concept isn't something for the "loners", not to say time spent alone, solitude, is not valuable. the concept of a kingdom is for the poor in spirit to come and gather, praying "God, have mercy on us... we're in this thing".

umm. yeah. i feel a little free-er tonight, as i said by one means or another. i hope it lasts more than a couple hours... well, maybe it will if i start acting practically, rather than just talking about it all the time. lets have coffee sometime soon, share some conversation. or maybe, over the phone, since half the population of people that read this, i'm sure, live hundreds of kilometers away.

oh well. much has yet to be said, but enough has for now. goodnight.