every light

so, i've come back, once more, to the floor in front of my fireplace. outside my sliding door it is a spring darkness, and the coals in my chimney have long since grown cold (very literary, i would say).

this feels very familiar. my first journals in my townhouse were written right here... except back then i had no couches, and my computer desk was a dining room chair. now my desk is the floor. i've come a long way.

so rather than do the smart thing and eat, or do homework, i'm stuck in the house alone, reflecting on the familiar things in my life.

a) dishes. i started my dish pit job in my school's cafeteria again, for need of food. i'm not officially on staff, so i don't get to have any hours, so, i'm abnout to find out what it means to be a starving student (sigh).

funny, i can stop working there for an entire year, and still know every single niche' about dish washing. my summer job, for two weeks, was doing dishes in a greasy pub, a circumstance filled with many a good story and anology. but thats not the point.

it feels very familiar.

b) i haven't felt all that mature in that past week. reason; for the past week i've been walking through a bog of sad childhood memories, trying to get inspiration for my final christian imagination project. my project is going to be a small collection of poetry and prose, about my faith.

i've discovered something. i've only started processing pain this year. essentially, i'm in a place where i can feel sorry for all the things i never got to feel sorry for, and find healing.

or i might just be crazy.

c) so, to restate the last point, i'm processing pain. i've started to allow myself to feel forgiveness- freedom from unessesary guilt. having pain in ones' life, as every twentysomething has probably figured out by now, is neccesary for growth, for figuring out who we are, where our lives are going, and... in a sense, who God is.

d) i'm tired. it could be because i'm not getting enough excerise, or not getting enough vitmains or i'm drinking too much green tea, or there is some chemical imbalance i'm not aware of.

or there is the less popular theory- i'm bogged down by painful experiences i still have to realize.

e) sometimes its hard to see past our own pain. i like to think that getting past a season of difficulty will allow room for compassion to grow.

again. all of this- working in dishpits, processing pain, resting on my left elbow on the floor... it all feels so familiar.


every light is a longing to run,
every ocean a longing to sail,
every car past my window is a longing to walk,
every evergreen is a longing to be free.

-adam