a new journal

I felt it was about time to change, so I have officially started a new journal-

adamroper.tumblr.com

I think the purpose / theme/ reason will develop over time. We'll see.

See you there ;)

covers

When it rains it pours. Everything stressful happens at once. There are a lot of ways to say it, though trying to describe it will make me feel like I'm complaining.

Coffee doesn't help. It's been a tough month, friends.

~

On the bright side, I'm still ridiculously loved, in a 'grace is something I can't comprehend' way.

Later.

non-chalance is no fun

occurrences:

some friends and I put on a 'storytellers' concert, with songwriting and stories and chocolate fountain. all in all a good time.

I'm going to a concert tomorrow in Vancouver, with David Crowder and Chris Tomlin. I think this will be a good one / very lifechanging.

I spent the better part of my day yesterday on commercial with come friends, shopping for records, visiting stores that smelled really good, one of which was a store that sold only organic (expensive) stuff. For a second I felt like I was dating someone who lived in a downtown loft- sigh (I have a weird imagination).

My roommate and I are making homemade alcohol- a wine made with honey and oranges. Yes, this is a good idea (later on we can say 'yes. it was a good idea at the time').

Feeling somewhat drab. I'm trying to think of some ways to fix this, more or less. i.e.- more tea, letter writing, autumn leaf pressing, reading or less movies, staying inside entire days, dwelling on the human condition, dreading any sort of social contact due entirely to my fear of biking in abbotsford traffic (bah! some of life's problems seem to make more sense than others).

Anyway... Good night.

PS - listen to this song.

this way

if you take me as I am,
I haven't taken that to heart.
If you take me as I am,
I can't take me as I am.

If you take me as I am
did you make me this way?
If you called me to come home,
I haven't taken that to heart.

writing in a library

The typical life of a college student / me on a saturday morning- sitting on my couch until 11 mulling over Tyler Perry movies with a cup of blackberry tea.

~

A little known secret about me- my mom and her friends and I used to watch Tyler Perry movies, back in the good old days of me going back and forth between here and Nanaimo, before she moved to Washington (Perry's notable film is "Diary of a Mad Black Woman). We saw "Madea's Family Reunion" when it first came out, and there was the whole of 5 of us in the entire theatre.

They are not really good films by any means, but there is the occasional good line that speaks great truth, stuck in the mix of semi-ok acting.

So, while I was watching one of these said films this morning I had a small epiphany- and usually, as I always say, the best epiphanies catch us off guard in unexcpected places (most of my best epiphanies happen when I'm taking a shower. another little known secret).

So here it is- I'm a really cynical person towards aspects of the Christian faith, because I study it at college, and because I grew up in and around it. A friend of mine told me last week that being cynical towards the Church, and the Christian culture, would only be damaging to my character.

Cynicism is not a good thing. In my experience cynism can be defined as judging the acts of the whole based upon negative experiences with a few. In other words, if I was to have a negative experience at a church, I feel like I can judge the Church itself. Or I come across a bad christian movie, and judge all christians because of it.

It's not a healthy way to live, I don't think. Why don't I use energy I waste on being cynical on recognizing the love of community I have instead? Or doing some serious self-examination?

And I'm sure, at the very root of my cynicism, is my own insecurity. I'm not sure how to deal with my hurt, so I project it onto something else- which seems like a very human response to hurt.

Hmm. Thought of the day.

being sick is lame sauce

True story: I spent 6 hours on monday staring at my computer non-stop trying to figure out how to make print with a book format.

Eventually I found this program called 'Cheap Imposter' and printed a small book, which was easier than dropping a cat... which actually is pretty hard, because cats have claws.

So, I hope to have this small publication out in November at the latest. Its a really scary prospect.

In other news, it's been a hard couple of weeks. Sitting in my 4th year classes I came to the really striking realization that most of my friends from my first year are now married, or engaged, or in relationships. Me and my single friends have been discussing this, trying to avoid immature questions like 'what is wrong with me? why am I still single?"

It's a tough, and really humbling, thing to experience. Every so often life calls us to a deep and profound realization- the reality of marriage, the reality that there are more days behind us than before us. This is one of those I think- Really asking myself if I am mature enough to think about having serious relationships.

Anyway, I wonder. People have told me that as soon as I stop looking for 'someone' I will find them. I've done nothing but look for the past 4-6 years, and it's not getting me anywhere.

Maybe there is something called grace, which is ridiculously beyond my ability to comprehend. Love is not this instant quick fix. Love, and life in general, is a slow process.

Food for thought.

english house

Yesterday some friends and I made it into Vancouver, to spend some time in local scene stores and watch a concert. The concert in question was 'The Fleet Foxes', who, I think, are going to be huge in the next couple years. They are definitely the most humble, and committed, act I've seen in a long time. Without any pretension to speak of, they played a pretty powerful set. Check them out soon.

That said, in tradition of stories my friends and I on campus are telling these days, I'm going to move backwards from the end.

Before the concert we had breakfast at this dive of a place on Nanaimo street- costing a total of three bucks. Then we made our way to Commercial for a couple hours, where I visited my traditional coffee place for my traditional drink- JJ Bean, medium dark-roast. I was hoping this coffee would make me more aware, and energetic, but instead it made me pretty anxious and blah. Albeit, I stayed up until three am the night before.

On Commercial we checked out a record store, and I picked up Sufjan Stevens' Illinois and Wincing the Night Away by the Shins on vinyl for a reasonable cost. After that we found a retro clothes store, and I picked up my first plaid-esque shirt, thus boosting my credibility as an independant artist slightly (I wish).

After that we found had lunch at an all you can eat taco place, and they charged me too much for my pop- which I am aspiring to not drink- a lofty goal as both a youth worker and a college student.

We found a couple other retro stores near Burrard, and another record store where I found Michigan by Sufjan on vinyl (yes, I spent lots on vinyl that day, and yes I'm still trying to get my vinyl player to actually work. even so...).

From there, the highlight of the day, we walked through a giant building which looked a lot like the roman colleseum, but with a distintive North American design- square shaped windows and archways instead of the traditional arch design. Even so, walking through was a breathtaking experience in itself.

All in all, a good idea. I think the best concerts are those that have the potential to build a strong sense of community. Fleet foxes, although they are getting a lot of buzz recently, didn't come across as a band that was better than us because they have a record, radio time, and venue space.

I think this is one of the reasons why creating art in community is so profound- we seek to create together, instead of creating competitively.

~

In other news, trying to write a book is really hard. I'm hoping to get a lot more writing done this week, i.e. get some inspiration/find something worth capturing.

I'm starting to look into the possibilty of getting help from already published authors, who have been doing this a lot longer than I have. Thus is life.

Later.

organized

A
Hide in the covers or the
paper sheets,
monsters in the closet,
in the books shelved neatly,

unorganized another minute.

B
Pay a simple bill,
speak a simple word through
the language of a sleepless night-
worrying too much,
not loving myself quite as much
as I used to.

C
It comes back on us like a
winter storm-
that nagging sense of inadequacy,
the fear of not being good enough.

And this simplicity,
this quiet wants me to
take it easier. Alas
I'm too hard on myself, sometimes.

~

"This time of year you always disappear
You tell me not to call,
And when the door is closed you're wearing different clothes
Or hiding in the paper, pretending not to hear"

- Sufjan

I smell like watermelon

My friend advised me to buy some axe phoenix, and I'm finding that it smells a lot like watermelon. It's weird.

For the first half of my day I smell like fruit.

~

My friends and I were talking about movies, and some ones I really want to see / own soon are

21 grams
The Secret Life of Words
Crash
Mystic River
Persepolis
Bridget Jones 2 (guilty pleasure).

The first three films definately show Matt Dillon, Sean Penn, and Tim Robbins at their best. I mention these films because I do not want to forget.

Confession: I was at a nearby dollar store, and I noticed a rack with cheap movies. So I impulsively bought The Squid & The Whale and Children of Men. These are both great films, though not on my priority list. I am merely a cheapass, and could not resist two movies for $15

Alas. Art is hard to maneuver around.

Take Care

a difficult week

I'm helping to plan an outdoor concert this friday, which should be good. Planning things of an artistic nature, I have decided, is where I find my joy in life.

Take care.

a critique

Something I learned from this past week, and from the summer in general, is that we have to get broken before we can get fixed.

For a long time I've had a problem with "Big Revival" meetings in Christian circles, mainly because of the simple truth that every great high is followed by a huge low. The term Revival has become synonymous with extravagant expressions of happiness and well-being. The focus is on receiving, getting something from God.

But, how can we really begin to re-build our lives with such an approach?

I don't think revivals are supposed to be about displays of emotion. Rather, a revival, for me at least, is about breaking down and then being put back together again. When this happens, we realize what is really important in life- not trying to get by pretending everything is ok, or trying to end all life's problems as quickly as possible.

We find God in the 'sacred ordinary'- in the small insignificant details of life that we overlook- not so much in the constant search for the next big thing to come along and complete us (a new car, thousands of dollars, a boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever).

I'm still trying to figure this out myself. I just think, why wait for the next emotional high to feel complete? Is there anything I can find today that expresses something true and real about my life?

~

And, on a similar note, one of the things I'm trying to learn in life is being able to forgive myself. After awhile I just got sick of feeling like garbage because of every stupid thing I do. I know there are a lot of self-help books that push this destructive idea that one can only be happy if one is perfect, all the time.

Sometimes we have to allow ourselves enough grace to just be imperfect. It is not my great skills or abilities that make me a good person, but rather learning to grow in, and love my, imperfections.

Life may just be a little more forgiving that way.

Take care.

keeping to myself a bit too much

I've figured out, in my five or so years as a youth worker, that the requirements of a youth pastor are:

1) A Stack of CD's from the 90s (think Matchbox 20, or Audio Adrenaline).
2) A Goatee
3) A really hot wife (my theory on youth pastors having attractive wives is that youth pastors have really strong character, and that is what girls like).
4) Blue T-shirts
5) A wealth of random stories which may or may not be transated into bad puns and / or catchy illustrations.
6) A copy of "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell.

This is what I think.

It's been a long week so far. I'm doing a leadership training camp at my school, which keeps me to busy to deal with all the hundreds of details that come up in late August (bills, tuition, crushes, prospects. I'm such a guy).

In other news, I'm still trying to reconcile dealing with depression (not in a "poor me, I have depression" way, but in a "I experienced tough things, now I'm doing the mature thing and dealing with them because I have a lot of good to offer" way).

Remind me to elaborate on this subject later. There is much more to say, all of which is hard to capture with unspoken words (aka, words typed).

Later.

any given thursday.

What is new in life you ask?

a) Finally did the right thing, and bought a mac. This system works famously. It feels like, compared to windows, I was wearing plastic bags on my feet instead of shoes. 

b) Finished work last week. Now I'm taking it relatively easy for a week, planning a Lance Odegard concert. 

c) Radiohead was, in many ways, the most beautiful concert I have seen. I think the most sacred moment of my summer was standing in the pouring rain, in a crowd of thousands, most of which which probably pretty high, listening to "House of Cards" and "Paranoid Android". It does not get much better than that. 

d) The book I started this summer if ridiculously close to being finished. I'm trying to think of the most effective way to get it to my friends who live thousands of miles from me. 

d.2) I read 7 novels this summer. 

e) Last week I picked four pounds of blackberries. Come over sometime and help me finish them ;). 

f) I should really stop using lists. 

this writing life

Insights:

1) The summer is almost done.
2) Writing books is really hard.
3) coffee at 12 am is a poor choice
4) My computer died, and I am wrestling with the ethical implications of purchasing a new one (pay rent or buy laptop? undecided.)
5) I'm starting my last year of school next year. It's scary, thinking about all the places of maturity I feel like I still have not stepped into.

6) This video is super lame, but it's a great song.

Let's continue this conversation. Enjoy.

a summer morning

Adam is...

1) Writing a book
2) Listening to the new Augustana record
3) Watching 'Once'
4) Trying.
5) Feeling the summer lonelies. Sigh.

6) Eating blueberries.

Take care

I think way too much

Summer is a very erratic time in life, in terms of keeping ourselves together and knowing exactly where we stand. Summertime seems more like a rush of enjoying whatever life we can, then stopping to think about how we were changing later on.

It sounds wise, but this is really more of a question for me than a statement, acknowledging some kind of arrival. I'm just about ready for summer to be over.

So, this is what I have been upto in the last while:

1) Driving down to the Oregon coast for a couple days. I definitely did not see enough of it.
2) Picking up the new Relient K EP, and more copies of books that were written for the sake of giving away (Blue like Jazz, and Captivating).
3) Sitting in my office for hours.
4) Writing a book. Kind of.
5) Not paying bills.
6) Missing writing. A lot.
7) Planning an outdoor concert for september.

I'm really looking forward to relaxing this weekend, cleaning up and curling up on the couch with a warm blanket to watch 'Dan in Real Life' over a pot of green tea... Although, realistically, I seem to enjoy the idea of moments like these instead of the moments themselves (Grrr. bittersweet irony).

I'm also looking forward to seeing radiohead, in the next couple weeks.

As far as I go, I've been feeling a bit hurt. Maybe it has something to do with me not going home to Nanaimo this summer, or with the fact that I'm giving a talk to my church next month about hurt, introduced with the statement "You won't really find healing unless you admit you are broken" (by you I mean 'I'). I'm sure it has everything to do with being apart from friends too, which is something life demands as a necessity every so often.

How is your summer going, by the way?

Later.

late spring, early summer

Summer is a really slow time in life, I am discovering. Everyone I know either lives way too far away, or works a lot. And me and all my friends seem to spend our summers growing apart from each other.

Which kind of sucks, in my mind. There is not a lot to write about without friends.

My friend asked me, via a letter, if "it is harder or more hurtful to dream... does it hurt more now than when we were kids because we have lost a significant chunk of our faith/hope"? I'm not completely sure.

Apart from being with people, it is difficult to have faith/hope. I would like to think that when I grow up I'm not going to just lose child-likeness because of too much harsh reality. If anything, I should be allowed to hope for better things, or to hope for the same things in better and creative ways...

as opposed to living a life-less existence of a summer. It is true that creativity is not always valued in the day-to-day summer life of work, but I also think that a lot can be learned from this idea of a 'sacred ordinary'- that there is great truth in the everyday of life.

A long time ago I brought up the idea of a 'grace in imperfection'- almost as if to say that life is enjoyed more imperfectly, not stressing out about the bad stuff but just enjoying it as a whole. For me, thinking about life in these terms just seems to take a great weight off of me, and reminds me that we really should enjoy life... not just 'get through' it.

This is all to say I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with summers, when all the people I really like aren't around to talk about all this with. Summers have always been an inbetween thing for me- lived between the seeing and the missing of friends.

So whatever. In a couple weeks I'm driving down to the Oregon coast for a couple days. If you have any ideas for how I can get creatively inspired these weeks, let me know. I'll do the same.

later


Listening to: John Legend- come home.

in the office, by the phone

"We are becoming a people accustomed to ugliness. Most people most of the time have strong feelings about beauty, order, and harmony, and at some level are wounded by their absence"

- David Orr, Geez Magazine, Summer 2006.

~

Watching: Paris, je' taime (ah. this movie is like poetry. watch it soon).

sunny days

Sometimes I think the best way to experience God is to go through something difficult.

PS- It is a really warm day here in Canada.

in the morning, in the window

photography

Vibrant
bluish, atmpospheric.
I can't
be less than real.

Vibrato,
pitch, consonance.
I tried
to be much better.

Photographs,
traveled, expectation.
Everything
depends on weathering.

Authentic,
eloquent, atmospheric,
whether or not we capture that
which is beautiful.